Batten down the hatches because after a few weeks of in hiding Krazy Kristen Doute has returned in full splendor on Vanderpump Rules. Solvang? Or So Insane? Kristen wasn’t the only one Solvagning problems though – Jax Taylor and James Kennedy both went to therapy, but not together. Although they probably should.
It’s the day after the inaugural TomTom party and Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t had a hangover since 1985, aka before Tom 1 and Tom 2 were born… Oh, wait: everyone on this show is pushing 40, which makes them older than me. And they’ve definitely given LVP enough headaches to quantify as a hangover.
The Toms are overjoyed with their first event. They were ready to spread the doors wide to the public at large. Tom 2 wants a gold star on his chore chart.
Lisa reminds them that there’s no gas (or ice). James was spinning records in the utility closet sitting on 2 Costco mega-packs of Charmin Double Ply.
Lala Kent meets Kristen and Ariana Madix for coffee, so they can rub it in Kristen’s face that she missed the party of the year. Lala softens the blow by inviting Kristen to fly on a PJ to Solvang, a Danish-themed wine country, for a girls trip to thank them for their support after Lala’s father died.
Kristen fumes about missing the TomTom party. She snaps, “Whether Lisa likes it or not, I’m a part of the SUR family – and it’d be a lot easier for both of us if she just accepted it.”
Funny – I can say the same thing about James, KRISTEN. Kristen, who got fired SEVERAL YEARS AGO for telling a manager to “suck a dick” among other things.
Why is Lala planning a trip to wine country after giving up booze? Because she broke a hurricane proof window in a drunken fit one night with Mandal? (See, Kristen is a bad influence!),
Kristen is a nightmare to travel with, so it’s a big deal that Lala is allowing her on this trip, where she will cross the threshold onto Rand’s private jet and potentially disgrace Lala’s Man. Um, Kristen is a nightmare period. No matter where you are. Even in her living room – just ask Carter! Speaking of, Kristen is actually desperate to escape Carter because they are fighting non-stop. Over the dishwasher. Or is it Carter passive-aggressively lashing out at Kristen over her Jamesession (By Calvin Klein).
Brittany Cartwright drags Jax, Katie Maloney, and Stassi Schroeder to some life-sized fairy house to help plan her engagement party. If Katie is trashing your engaaaaaaaaaygemiiiint, why would you include her sour puss face? Also, Katie is wearing Tom 2‘s Hawaiian print mumu over lingerie. WTF.
The theme for Brittany’s party is
delusional doomed love of a sociopathic beast fairy tales. Which is why she’s marrying the frog, not the prince. Brittany also believes in fairies. Like she probably believes they’re in the Bible. On the contrary, Jax suddenly believes in saving money and also Catholicism.
Jax’s only comment about the location is, “This looks really expensive.” My husband dubs this the first intelligent thing Jax has ever said on this show. Then, the man who stole sandwiches from the gas station to avoid paying for lunch is handed a bill for $14,205 worth of fairies. And priceless information from meddling Fairy Godmothers (from hell) named Katie and Stassi! I mean, Jax is definitely the type of loser who would risk food poisoning with gas station sandwiches because he just enjoys the thrill of sociopathy. BTW, I’m pretty sure SUR needs to do a cross-over with Love After Lockup. Starring Kristen, Jax, and Stassi.
In other news, to prove that they are now legit committed and because fairies are magical, Jax and Brittany are going to couples counseling. Like the Catholics do. According to Jax even the pope, who made up couples counseling, had to go through that rigamarole when he got hitched to the almighty. That explains Jax’s big hair look in the confessional: “The higher the hair the closer to god!”
James is also visiting his therapist. He’s stressed over constantly being in the middle of his parents’ animosity, worsened because he is now supporting both his parents financially. Additionally, James’s mom, Jacqueline, takes her anger for James’ dad out on him. “I still get treated like a f–king child when I’m the man of the family right now, keeping this whole thing together,” says James. And yet he’s still dealing with Katie and Kristen’s unwarranted petty hate.
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The therapist advises James to set a boundary with his mom, so as soon as the session is over he calls Jacqueline and screams that she can’t ask him for money anymore and trash-talk his dad. Then, he recklessly drives off into the sunset! I definitely think he’s handled his rage and is ready to get his job back at SUR.
While the girls are planning a trip to Solvang, aka a ride on the PJ, the guys are planning a boys night. Jax keeps dropping hints about strippers and hookers because he’s chaaaaaayngeed, y’all! But if you want to go PJ gotta get down with the BJ’s, so I guess it’s all fair. Also now everyone is essentially openly admitting to using Lala for the private jet.
Brittany wears a shirt to therapy that demonstrates how confused her brain is. It’s sheer in some parts, and also blousy with business sleeves and ruffles plus a weird reverse v-neck that’s in the back. Also, how many different ways could her nude bra show through?
This is the same therapist that Jax sees once a season. She expects his once yearly
Bravo paycheck visit, like a Christmas card from your former co-worker that you immediately toss in the recycling bin. Brittany wants to discuss THE CHEATING but anytime she brings it up, Jax gets extremely hostile about revisiting the past. And therapy is no exception!
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I mean it’s so… dated. He’s changed and it’s true because Jax says so. We all know everything Jax says is the word of truth! Brittany admits she’s worried that if they end up in a bad place again, or have a fight, Jax will cheat again. Like last year he was in this very same office telling the therapist he dumped his girlfriend and it was the best decision he ever made. The therapist tries to inject some reason into this doomed duo, but eventually just gives up because you can’t fix stupid!
As she’s packing for “So Vain” Brittany announces that she wants to go back to therapy, but Jax deflects that she should go alone. To work out the issues of why she doesn’t trust him. The thing is Jax knows he can manipulate Britany with fancy engagement parties. She is thrilled to ‘get what she wants.’ But, when she expects something real, he degrades her immediately, and that pattern has not changed.
After their huge fight outside the therapist’s office, Jaqueline comes over to James’s house so they can work out some boundaries. Raquel Leviss is there as a mediator, aka the silent observer of the world’s most dysfunctional family dynamics. Brittany and Jax – Jacqueline and Ambrose are you in 30 years!
In one breath James‘ mother agrees to not talk shit about his dad, and then interrupts her promise to start talking shit about how Hambrose doesn’t give her money after leaving her saddled her with three kids so he could go scuba diving. Yes – James it’s your fault Jacqueline didn’t get to live her free life. James tries to explain that if he’s sending her $200 every 3 days he wants to know where it’s going.
This turns into a rant from Jacqueline about how James owes her because he took his first steps at Tiffany’s. Baby steps towards a healthy relationship with your insane mom? Also, apparently materialism = a mother’s love. Which is definitely Bravo’s parenting methodology!
Jacqueline concludes her visit by hissing at James that she is the only one allowed to have divorce-related trauma. Raquel is speechless, like oh shit… Or maybe she is mentally multiplying $200 ice scream scoops x 3 days.
James’ mother is insane. She makes Mommie Dearest look like Lisa Vanderpump. No wonder he was attracted to Kristen! I cannot believe this is the same
sociopath woman who was crying to Lisa about how much she loves James and wants him to succeed. It’s clear that she only wants his success so she can use him to extort more money for god knows what.
Later that evening, Jacqueline saunters into SUR, lectures Lisa for not re-hiring James (as if this is how she can manipulate James into believing that she’s a mother). Then, she begs Lisa to hire James’ younger brother Harry. Lisa considers it because she doesn’t want James to have to be solely responsible for the entire family’s bills. Or you know, Lisa could get a restraining order against Kristen, tell Katie to get over herself, and re-hire James back. Although I do think his behavior does necessitate a longer time-out.
The girls meet up at the private jet hangar. No surprise, Kristen is late, even though she’s carpooling with Stassi, Katie, and Brittany. It turns out she left her purse at home and had to go back; leaving Stassi standing on the curb where she belongs.
Lala’s excitement about showing off Mandall’s wealth to her friends cannot be diminished though! “We’re on a private jet and none of us had to pay for itttttt!” she screams throwing her arms in the air.
Other than not having to smell microwaved airline meals, a PJ – or at least this one – doesn’t look all that grand to me. Basically, it’s a school bus, bench seats crammed with people, that flies. Also, they have to mix their own drinks. But I shouldn’t knock Lala’s version of of being a high achiever!
Stassi, despite her PJ trip through wonderland, is salty when they land in reality and wind up on a shuttle bus to the hotel. She lectures Kristen for being selfish. “I spent more time waiting for Kristen on the sidewalk this morning than I did on a PJ,” snarls Stassi.
Kristen shoots back that she is who she is. Everyone knows that who she is
James mother a horrible traveler and generally insane person. Nothing like a vacation to make the Three-Headed SheBeast turn on each other and start eating their own heads! More wine for the surviving mouths.
The hotel room situation means everyone gets a roommate – except for Scheana Marie who is “singled out for being single.” What happened to a Suddenly Single Summer? Actually what happened to Ariana being Scheana’s bestie, instead of ditching her for a Suddenly Stassi Summer?
Immediately Kristen announces that she won’t room with Stassi. No one else wants to be “It” so Katie gets stuck with the short straw. And that straw is stirring a cocktail of well vodka and flat soda and melted ice, and called “The Kristen.” It’s not on the menu at TomTom – sorry.
Apparently, Kristen being late is actually all Carter’s fault. He didn’t help her get out the door by packing her book bag and her lunch, and making sure she has her house keys and the number for 9-1-1, aka home, memorized. Is Kristen 5? Now Katie is annoyed that she’s stuck picking up the pieces of a stressed out insane Kristen who feels abandoned by Stassi. Oh, poor Katie. HAHAHAHA – Karma, bitch. Um, if Kristen is so bad at traveling – STAY THE F__K Home.
Katie advises Kristen to drop it, and just try to have fun. So Kristen picks a random plant out of a flower box and eats it because maybe it’s peyote! Or poison. Woo! Carpe diem! By the time they hit the first winery, Kristen is drunk, obnoxious, and heading full speed ahead to Krazy Kristen territory.
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You know, next, she’ll be finding someone on Facebook to accuse Carter of cheating with. Then, she will drag some random cat to SUR and claim she has indisputable proof that Tom 1 banged it in the back alley while he was still her boyfriend. And then the following week he cheated on Ariana with a hyena named Catsup from the zoo. After, James had an affair with a monkey named Monica while Raquel was using the bathroom in the Sedona!
Meanwhile, James brings his brother, Harry, by SUR for a job interview. He is first greeted by Jax bragging about the awesome guys night they’re planning, which he is not invited to. Then Guillermo shows up to the interview instead of Lisa! He reminds James that this has come full circle. Five years ago he was the little wannabe DJ who started as a busboy. Now Guillermo, who is badass as well as a silver fox, doesn’t need a busboy. He needs a DJ and where is James? WHERE IS JAMES? I think this lecture needs to be given to Katie.
Guillermo decides to hire Harry on a trial basis. He departs by pointing at James and reminding him that SUR still needs a DJ. But do you need a Katie? I think we all know the answer to that rhetorical question! James is gutted, and starts crying over this latest let-down. Especially because he considers Guillermo as like a father to him.
TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED BY JAME’S FAMILY DYNAMIC? IS SCHEANA BEING SINGLED OUT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]